'She said' By Tim

[Blundy]

Tim, I'm scared ! would you really do such a thing? Break into a womans house and scare the shit out of her, just to tell her you love her?

The bit where you wrote she waved at you. When I read that I immediately thought of when Hailz waved at you at the library . She called me a scab because I took a donut after that guy stopped talking.

Answer me this Tim. Was the beautiful woman, Hayley?

[Tim]

lol naw it's not her ;D

I totally forgot about that, maybe my brain is subconsciously writing about Hayley!!

I wouldn't do it personally but the guy in the story would. He is a paranoid schitzophrenic, thats why he carries a gun and he loses his temper often. He wasn't meant to pull the gun on the two women but it's like a nervous tick. Ever since he left his angel he went slightly insane!

Pretty cool eh? I like this story.

[Wade]

Tim,I read this piece and it was good,but you left little details out as you said he was schitzophranic and such.If you hadn't had said that..I would have never known from your story there.It was good,but some parts were unclear.I saw what you were trying to do,but it jumped suddenly right when the reader was trying to put it all together and understand what's going on.

Just some usefull criticism from me.But,it was a good story just needs a little fixing up to do.

[Tim]

thanks for the comment!
yeah i know its a bit messy, its sort of a first draft. are you talking about the bit when he takes her upstairs then it sort of goes a bit weird?
it was late and i really wanted to finish it so I sort of slapped the ending together.

but i do love to keep the readers guessing ;D

[Wade]

The bit you could of touched up on was the end,because it suddenly went from him expressing his love to.....well,damn,I've been shot.I saw your basis for the shock effect there,but it just needs a bit of fixing...that's all.Other than that it's a hell of a story.

[Tim]

thanks man, thats cool!

I'll post an updated ending here sometime... later.

[Matthew]

That was the type of story that would catch someone. It's odd, wierd, macabre. But, I have a small re-write critique. I have little time to get through the rest of the stories, so... let me just re-write a paragraph. I hope you understand how it could change.

I (hailey) saw Hailey on (hailey) the hailey again today, hailey didn’t (hailey) say ‘hi.’

[Tim]

Shit that makes it so much better.

I feel a close connection to this story!